9/24/17 12:48 pm
I've got a little cold right now, I basically have no food, and it's pouring rain. It's at moments like this when I really miss being at home, with family, in America. When you're sick, that's when you start to crave old comforts, as well as having people around who really care about you.
That said, I'm not doing too bad right now. Friday night, though. Pain wise, that was one of the worst nights of my life.
To cut the story short, it was many hours of many kinds of pain, many of which were pretty normal at first--just a regular menstrual migraine, I thought, and assured myself that I had worked through those before--but then I got what I'm pretty sure was my first full-on panic attack. I had had a couple of mild attacks earlier in the month, and I doubted if they could even be called panic attacks because I was able to talk myself through them and be ready for work again as though nothing happened, but with this one people were telling me to go to the hospital. I said it was just a migraine and went home, though I could barely form words, let alone stand up.
And it was a really, really, really awful night.
It basically shot my immune system dead right then and there, and I developed a fever around 3am, and I was pretty miserable with the fever most of the day yesterday. Right now I still have the remnants of the headache, a sore throat, and a little bit of a runny nose, so overall, a huge improvement.
There's still a bit of an emotional hangover from the attack, too. Like, great? Is this going to be a thing now? Am I going to be someone whose life is put on hold by anxiety?
Of course, getting more concerned about this lately, I've been learning more about anxiety and when it becomes a disorder, and I read article about high-functioning anxiety and time-related anxiety that resonated with me so deeply that it was a little freaky to read them.
I had hoped that coming to China would make me a stronger person, because I knew I'd find it kind of hard. I guess you have to break a little before you become stronger. Also, it's been an eye-opening experience in learning about myself, and my own limits, like the fact that I am inflexible to an extreme. However, Japan, as a culture, is one of the countries in the world least tolerant of uncertainty, and I think that's part of why I felt at home working there.
My plan after China is to find work in Japan again, at least through the 2020 Olympics, because I've always thought it would be cool to be a volunteer interpreter at a big world event like that. I had originally though "Kyoto, of course I'll work in Kyoto," but I'm more and more so leaning toward just going back to Matsue. In fact, when I'm visiting (next week---holy Shimanekko, I'm not ready! This panic attack has stolen some of my excitement!), I'm hoping to gauge how much they really like me there. As a CIR it used to feel like the world revolved around me sometimes, and making sure I had a bunch of cool experiences to tell the world about, and people were sad when I left and there were lots of passing comments about me working there forever, and I know plenty of JETs who stayed or boomeranged back, but how likely is it really to translate to a new step in my career? And would it be a career I could build on if I ever move back to Colorado, for the comforts of being near home and family and eating chicken soup and lying on a couch to watch TV when I'm sick?
Well. Anyway. Kind of on a related note...
One of the reasons my situation in China is drag is that I usually can't stream much more than YouTube, and even that is iffy. So I basically don't watch anime anymore, unless I'm willing to suffer for hours to watch it. It's a comfort to watch it while I'm on vacation with people I care about and who are fellow fans, like my siblings or friends who I stay with for a few days. While visiting a CIR buddy in Yinchuan on my fantastic trip in July, I mentioned that the premise of Sakura Quest seemed pretty interesting, and we got really into it. Having worked with many tourism associations in the inaka, and been put to work on similar shenanigans, we could really relate to it, and we took a liking to the slice-of-life characters. The other day she sent me a message to say how moved she was by the ending, but knowing my streaming speeds, I had not attempted to watch anymore.
But! Thankfully that fever gave me a good excuse to spend the time necessary on getting through four episodes (yeah, all day long), and this morning when I woke up early, I finished (my net is a little faster in the early morning, so it only took me about four hours to watch three episodes).
Man, this..... makes me want to go back and work in the inaka again so bad! I've known other CIRs who worked for tourism associations afterward and took a big pay cut, but they're happy. Granted, they're also happily married to Japanese guys who are public employees, so that gives them an excuse to get settled and not worry about money or visa issues. But still!!
......still, would that lead to anything I could take with me in America?
I've investigated what would be available to me in Colorado tourism. From the official standpoint, not that much. The Japanese method of tourism promotion functions inside such a bubble that I doubt those skills and experience would be useful outside of Japan.
And besides, I've seen what I'm like after leaving Japan. If I move back, I might not want to leave again. Sorry, Mom and Dad.
Oh well. For right now, I just need to focus on recovering and getting ready to have a nice time back in Matsue.